I Am Not Sure Who is Going Faster!
The room is hot and humid and the viewing stands are crowded. There are swarms of people everywhere to watch the swimmers below. The pool is glistening. There is a wake of white caps following behind each swimmer as they speed by. Every person in this room wants someone to win, but I want my kid to win and my kid only! My heart is racing and my hands are sweaty, as my little girl is gaining control of her race. It's going to be close --- within a hundredth of a second, or maybe even a thumb nail. Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have cut her nails!"Swim Isabelle! Swim!"
"Kick your feet!"
"Kick, kick, kick!"
"Let's go!"
"Your almost there!"
Lane 2 is gaining on her. Her stroke is powerful and the competition is gaining momentum.
"Come on, Isabelle,"
"Kick, you little crapper!"
"Kick, kick, kick!"
I can't sit still. I'm getting edgy. I need to jump down there, but I don't want to be escorted out! "Come on, Baby Girl!"
"Kick harder! Almost home, Baby. Almost home!"
Five more meters to go. I am on the edge of my seat. I'm breathing heavy. My voice is cracking and I am trembling. My heart is racing faster than the swimmers who are swimming. I can not handle this. I glance up at the score board.... and she's.... she's.... she's---- third. Damn it, another bronze metal!
That is the worst/best feeling in the world! I personally do not have a child but I have went to watch many of my sisters races as well as tennis events and the adrenaline present is immaculate! Its so exciting but at the same time you feel sick to your stomach. This post is action-packed and although ti is short, it is effective!:)
ReplyDeleteIt ended with almost a negative ending but I am left to wonder how close all the others were with her. I know that not all blogs should end with a certainty but in this one I would love to know how close the times were! To tie the posting back to the " thumb nail" aspect so that it goes in a full circle.
I loved the words you used in your dialogue and it seems very genuine and real. You must be a very supporting mother, it reminds me a lot of my parents and how excited they used to get when I would race and do high school sports!
Great post Marquita:)
Bridney Prout
*although 'it' is short, not 'ti' spelling error!
ReplyDeleteThis piece, although brief, vividly describes how fast a crowd can escalate. Parental encouragement can be so intense! You quickly jump into explaining the atmosphere, both in general and from your personal point of view, which is vital to developing setting. My hands get all sticky thinking about that thick, hanging pool-room air. The sensory description plays a huge part in your writing and hooked me right away.
ReplyDeleteAlthough this piece is a very good choice to be the center of a blog post, I think it has much more potential. For example, I think you should include some similarities and differences of being a parent vs. being an avid sports fan. I like it, I just think it needs to be beefed up a bit.
This was a fast-paced, high-action post! My adrenaline started to pump just reading it! Your introduction is good – right away I knew where I supposed to be and that things would move quickly. And I wanted to cheer with you. Your passion and enthusiasm came through loud and clear.
ReplyDeleteIt’s not just your passion that makes this a good post, it’s you passion as a parent. The fact that you try to take some blame for the loss because you trimmed Isabelle’s fingernails shows me how you have as much, or more, invested in the race as the competitor does.
I thought the ending was another powerful comment. “Damn it, another bronze metal!” is, I think, your way of showing your hopes and dreams for your daughter. For me, this post was not about who won the race, or even how close it was. I was about wanting your child to experience the joy of winning, of being the best at something. I think you captured that very well!
I like this one more than the next post about being a military wife. This was is VERY in the moment. You're writing is successful when you use short, curt sentences to express impatients. Where there is anything longer is where the "impartients/anxious/stressed" feeling looses its effect. You're doing some telling over showing. Its something I am working on too. Don't leave too much up to the readers imagination. I liked how it was a brief recount of the race, almost like the race itself. When I swam, I know that racing felt like hours sometimes, but when I watched my video footage of it, it was very brief. I like that you kept things short. But, in doing so, add some more details. Isn't a bronze medal okay too? is it your daughter that will take it hard or you?
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I feel like this is what my parents could have been thinking too when I was competitive swimming. I dig it.
I love this post, although I might be biased as a past competitive swimmer and a mom. You style here is well shown, with short, swift sentences mirroring the race, the emotion and the energy. I like how there is nothing before, and nothing after the story, that it is short, intense and final. Your monologue is very well placed in the text, and you bring the reader to the edge of the seat with the anticipation of the final touch. Two suggestions would be to work the last words: I am not sure if ending at "Damn it" would be enough, or if it needs a final piece of "something" to round it out. I just felt like "bronze medal" didn't fit with the rest of the piece. The other suggestion would be to play with the title. Perhaps something like "Kick" or "Racing in unison", but there is the possibility to play up the story. Wonderful work, a delight to read!
ReplyDelete